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Wow, it seems like only yesterday tomorrow was an unreachable day that would never come. Hahah funny how things work like that. One minute you can hardly wait until something happens but then you blink and it's in front of your face and you're not quite sure if you're ready for it! Life is odd like that :]

Tomorrow at around 4pm I depart on a BUS ADVENTURE to go meet Renard at the airport. His flight should be arriving at around 8pm. After that we're staying the night at the Hilton for some nice relaxation and alone time, and then the next day it's Halloween already! After we check out of the hotel we'll be off to Marysville to meet up with Alisha and everyone. Needless to say, I am SO. EXCITED.

I cant wipe this stupid grin off my face and I'm filled to the brim with butterflies. I feel floaty. Part of me feels REALLY SILLY about how I'm feeling and wants to "PLAY IT COOL" and try not to act like such a love drunk spaz but... why try to hide how I'm feeling? It's a pretty wonderful feeling after all. :]

I just ugh. UGH <3 Cant wait to see him. And I'm really excited to be able to work with him IN PERSON :D so expect some more collaborations and such :] Ahhhhh I AM GOING TO MELT JESUS 9 w 9

though ugh I didnt get to carve pumpkins today ;__; I am super bummed out about that. For someone as obsessed with Halloween as I am, I sure didnt plan very well! I might have to just do it ON HALLOWEEN LOL. <_> talk about last minute! ah well. I'm trying not to get stressed about not doing this or that because it doesn't matter, WHAT DOES MATTER is Renard's gonna be here |3

Welcome to my new fandom, flist: HE-MAN. Yeah I'm serious. I usually don't pay much attention to Youtubz but I've been using it more frequently latley and I noticed a few days ago an ad for HE-MAN ON YOUTUBE. I couldn't sleep that night so I spent all night watching it and remembered how FUCKING AWESOME FABULOUS the show is. So DELICIOUSLY GAY CAMPY. Truthfully I'd seen very little of the original series, but in 2002 or so I was a big fan of the series on Cartoon Network, I was just to embarrassed to admit that to my friends at the time. I think the only person who really knows how much I loved it was Daniel; We'd dork about it together and I used to call him Skeletor and he called me Beastman xD It was one of the cuter things in our relationship. At any rate, I fucking love Skeletor hardcore man, expect fan art.

I'll admit I tend to get immersed in fandom when I'm feeling down (especially dorky shit like this, there's no way I can watch He-man and NOT smile and laugh), and yeah lately I've been more depressed and uninspired than usual (missin Pook and Alisha like woah), but hahah THERE IS NO FANDOM FOR THIS SHIT. Okay, well that's not entirely true, but MOST of the fans of the show are much MUCH older than me and are kind of "reliving" their childhood through it, OR they're collectors who are only really in it for the money :/ OOOORRR they're 13 kids who have only see spoofs on robot chicken LOL. OH WELL. I WILL ENJOY FAGGING OVER SKELETOR ALL BY MYSELF, YOU WILL ENJOY IT GODDAMMIT.

ENJOY IT!

Also, holy shit how I wish I could turn back time and get this awesome shirt! http://www.teefury.com/archive/507/Badical DAMN YOU TEE FURY AND YOUR PRINT ON DEMAND. BOO. *crosses fingers that it will appear on E-bay*

I just love old campy cartoons, like so much. Like ThunderCats, omg. Speed Racer is also on youtube, I'll have to give that a watch as well. HOPEFULLY in the probably-not-near-future I'll be owning the complete DVD sets of He-man and Thundercats (SO EXPENSIVE AHWGH ; ;)

okay already feeling better.

Maybe I should talk to people about stuff more often.. instead of bottling it up :C

Just thought I should post for anyone who is trying to call me or IM me, my internet/phone is being just... absolutely retarded >:C Basically, every five minutes or so my modem resets itself, which cuts off the internet and phone lines momentarily. And aside from that, every time I've picked up my phone today when some one was calling all I get is silence 8| Why it is doing this, I DONT KNOW. I tried calling comcast but the phone got cut off before I could even talk to some one about it. Hopefully this is just a temporary thing. But yeah, for today at least no incoming or outgoing phone calls >:/

grrrrrrrsnarl

-more on this and other con adventures later! But seriously SO MUCH FUN. And btw, to those not in the know, the fellow we're pictured with above is no other than Tom Kenny, the voice of Spongebob and many other awesome characters that I've loved and grown up with. YEAH I have so much to talk about and so many pictures to post! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh<33333333

I've been away, but I'm back now. Went out to the ocean, caught some crabs, saw some sea stars... got out of my house and had a little adventure. Had a lot of fun. Gazed at the beautiful blue summer sky through the most green, lush looking leaves that I've ever seen. They were illuminated from the sun light. I dont know why it hit me then... but I just really wanted my dad to be with me. I wanted to show him the starfish with 15 legs. I wanted to play frisbee with him. I wanted to pull out my sketchbook and show him I could draw horses better than I could when we were on kathy's farm.

Death is such a strange thing. I've witnessed it personally in my family more than most people I know, and still I don't think I've ever truly "dealt" with death. I fear death, deeply. I have never felt like I've ever really mourned a family members death... I never let myself. I just tried to block it out like it didn't happen. Like they just went away somewhere for a while and I still feel like they're coming back. Death just scares me like no other thing on this planet. I do not understand it, I suppose. People fear what they dont understand, you know how that is...

Like I said, it's a strange thing, to me, at least. And human emotion is also a strange thing. You cant really chose to mourn the loss of a family member, I suppose to most people it just comes naturally.

Slowly, my father's death is sinking in. He died in 2006. It was in spring, but for some reason it feels like it was summer. I don't know why. So around this time of year, I just get reminded of him. Maybe it's because this was when we'd go to the Science Center around this time of year and play in the fountain.

At any rate, it feels like it's hitting me more than usual. I see father's day commercials and think "I want to get dad something this year!" and then I remember. I cant even visit his burial because it's in Wisconsin, with his family.

I feel so guilty... I didn't appreciate him. I didn't let myself realize how much he meant to me. I was scared, seeing his trailer boxed up and full of computers and trash scared me. The drugs scared me. The drinking scared me. I just became angry. I felt like he didnt care. I didnt want to draw him any more pictures, my drawings were never good enough. He was always so critical of my art, I hated it. But I think it's because he understood what made a good artist more than most people, and he wanted me to improve.

That last phone call scared me, the man had clearly lost his mind. I still, for some reason feel like it's my fault he got so bad. I feel like if I had visited him more, called him more... something... he wouldn't have done so many drugs. In my head, I know that's not true... but it's like deep down that's how I feel.

He never got to show me that art program on the computer... he was going to show me how to make pictures on it. He wrote me that letter... I dont even know where it is. I probably threw away. So stupid. Where is that picture of us? It used to be on my wall in my house in Darrington. Where did I put it?

I never got to say good bye. I never got to say "I Love You" one last time. He never saw me turn 16, or graduate high school... I just miss him. I miss the memory I have of him, it's fading away. It's blurry, like looking at a reflection in water. But I can still sort of feel it, and I dont want to lose it.

God dammit, this really hurts. I dont know what to do. I dont feel comfortable talking to any one about it. Im afraid to talk to my mom about it. But, I dont even know when his birthday was. I dont know how old he was when he died. I hardly know anything about him.

I just miss him right now... I miss watching Ren & Stimpy with him in the living room on that old ugly couch that looked like a basket. I miss flipping over the couches and making forts with him and pretending to be wolves. I miss all his stupid pranks, the way he smelled, his glasses, his jeans, his laugh, his gross omelets. It's been so long. I just want to see him one last time that isn't in my dreams.

Dad, I miss you so much.

(Public because I want people to know what's going on with me, I guess. disabling comments because I'm not ready to talk about this. I dont want any advice or anything right now... I really just want to let myself feel what I'm truly feeling. If I have to be in a dark place for a while, it's okay. I want to be here. I need to be here. I just want the world to melt away for a little whille, even if it's only for a few days )

FRIENDS CUT;
I did a little friends cut tonight as well as went back and deleted old, pointless entries and made everything "Friends Only" once again.

If you were cut please please please don't take any personal offense. You're still welcome to have me added and comment on my journals etc. You are not being ~BANISHED~ or anything like that if I cut you. If you were cut it was for one of three reasons:
1. You haven't updated in a while/seem inactive
2. I never read your entries (sorry lol ;c)/I couldn't connect with you
3. You never seemed to read my entries

Again, no whining or pleading to be added back, IT'S JUST EL JEY no big D. Any one who does so any way will be snickered at and then ignored. You can still talk to me on NUMEROUS websites, and like I said still welcome to comment on public entries.

From now on, almost all of my entries will be Friends Only, save for art/sketch posts, which will be public.

DEAR YOU-KNOW-WHO-YOU-ARE
it's very easy to find that you're stalking my journal. The drama is over and done with, please for the love of god get on with your life.
Love Squeedge B)

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