I've been away, but I'm back now. Went out to the ocean, caught some crabs, saw some sea stars... got out of my house and had a little adventure. Had a lot of fun. Gazed at the beautiful blue summer sky through the most green, lush looking leaves that I've ever seen. They were illuminated from the sun light. I dont know why it hit me then... but I just really wanted my dad to be with me. I wanted to show him the starfish with 15 legs. I wanted to play frisbee with him. I wanted to pull out my sketchbook and show him I could draw horses better than I could when we were on kathy's farm.

Death is such a strange thing. I've witnessed it personally in my family more than most people I know, and still I don't think I've ever truly "dealt" with death. I fear death, deeply. I have never felt like I've ever really mourned a family members death... I never let myself. I just tried to block it out like it didn't happen. Like they just went away somewhere for a while and I still feel like they're coming back. Death just scares me like no other thing on this planet. I do not understand it, I suppose. People fear what they dont understand, you know how that is...

Like I said, it's a strange thing, to me, at least. And human emotion is also a strange thing. You cant really chose to mourn the loss of a family member, I suppose to most people it just comes naturally.

Slowly, my father's death is sinking in. He died in 2006. It was in spring, but for some reason it feels like it was summer. I don't know why. So around this time of year, I just get reminded of him. Maybe it's because this was when we'd go to the Science Center around this time of year and play in the fountain.

At any rate, it feels like it's hitting me more than usual. I see father's day commercials and think "I want to get dad something this year!" and then I remember. I cant even visit his burial because it's in Wisconsin, with his family.

I feel so guilty... I didn't appreciate him. I didn't let myself realize how much he meant to me. I was scared, seeing his trailer boxed up and full of computers and trash scared me. The drugs scared me. The drinking scared me. I just became angry. I felt like he didnt care. I didnt want to draw him any more pictures, my drawings were never good enough. He was always so critical of my art, I hated it. But I think it's because he understood what made a good artist more than most people, and he wanted me to improve.

That last phone call scared me, the man had clearly lost his mind. I still, for some reason feel like it's my fault he got so bad. I feel like if I had visited him more, called him more... something... he wouldn't have done so many drugs. In my head, I know that's not true... but it's like deep down that's how I feel.

He never got to show me that art program on the computer... he was going to show me how to make pictures on it. He wrote me that letter... I dont even know where it is. I probably threw away. So stupid. Where is that picture of us? It used to be on my wall in my house in Darrington. Where did I put it?

I never got to say good bye. I never got to say "I Love You" one last time. He never saw me turn 16, or graduate high school... I just miss him. I miss the memory I have of him, it's fading away. It's blurry, like looking at a reflection in water. But I can still sort of feel it, and I dont want to lose it.

God dammit, this really hurts. I dont know what to do. I dont feel comfortable talking to any one about it. Im afraid to talk to my mom about it. But, I dont even know when his birthday was. I dont know how old he was when he died. I hardly know anything about him.

I just miss him right now... I miss watching Ren & Stimpy with him in the living room on that old ugly couch that looked like a basket. I miss flipping over the couches and making forts with him and pretending to be wolves. I miss all his stupid pranks, the way he smelled, his glasses, his jeans, his laugh, his gross omelets. It's been so long. I just want to see him one last time that isn't in my dreams.

Dad, I miss you so much.

(Public because I want people to know what's going on with me, I guess. disabling comments because I'm not ready to talk about this. I dont want any advice or anything right now... I really just want to let myself feel what I'm truly feeling. If I have to be in a dark place for a while, it's okay. I want to be here. I need to be here. I just want the world to melt away for a little whille, even if it's only for a few days )