lick out them brains

FRIEND-O CUT and other things~

2009-12-19T01:03:47Z

Doing a slight friends cut. Just...TOO MANY JOURNALS on my f-list. I've lost interest in really checking LJ just because there's too many journals to read a day. I removed/will be removing people who's journals I tend to skip over. Now, I dont mean that in a "I dont give a shit about you" way xD It's more I either didnt know you well enough when you added me so I feel awkward commenting on personal affairs OR we became friends through a specific fandom and I'm just NOT as into it as I used to be.
SOOOO yeah, dont be offended if you were removed WE CAN STILL BE FRANDS and all that, and you're welcome to comment on my public entries/stalk me elsewhere/whatever. I plan on making more entries public on this thing anyway, sooo YEAH

and for the love of -GOD- do not send me a private message whining about being removed. I will flat out ignore it. I DONT GOT TIME FOR THAT SHIT YO.

I should probably point out that I'm very hard to befriend over the internet. I have to say that the whole thing with Renard was a freak occurrence xD One I'm very GLAD happend, but he's the first true-blue best buddy (and romantic partner, duh) I've made online. But a lot of that was him being very persistent with "TALK TO ME!!!1!1!" when we were first getting to know each other and I gave in because I found him interesting and charming. Or something. But yeah, POINT IS that just usually doesn't happen. Don't take it personally.

I know I kind of MAKE it hard to befriend me, and I have to apologize for that. I know a lot of people have put a lot of effort forth to get to know me/be friends, and I haven't done the same in return. I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A BITCH, HONEST. I'm just a bit of an introvert (online anyway, I'm quite social IRL when I'm not busy) and I don't like having too many long-distance friendships because I find it to be a bit of a bummer, and I'm AWFUL at keeping in contact with people over long distances. Always have been. What I LIKE and what you can really expect from me is casual contact through comments/notes/e-mail (In all honestly I'm not crazy about IM sevices, makes me anxious) and what not and then meeting up at cons and the like to hang out once in a while. YEP.

A LOOK AT 2009 MEME THING BUTTS

2009-12-15T13:17:27Z

Woahhh hey LJ. I haven't had much to say lately. Life's been good, if not a little mundane but that's okay. I've been really productive with art, I'm excited for Christmas and to see Pook and Alisha aaaand in about two weeks I'll be headed off to Magfest/Canada. WOO. Any way, ONTO A MEME:

1.What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Hmmm... This is a bit tough to answer because I don't think I've done anything drastically new or different from what I always do. Yeah...I GUESS THIS MEANS I SHOULD TRY NEW THINGS MORE OFTEN, EH?
Okay, let's see here... here's what I can think of: I did a lot of new things in art, went across the country to a convention (and well, first AC woowoo), cosplayed at SakuraCon, stayed in San Diego for a week, got into a long distance relationship (and I guess there's quite a few "firsts" that could go with that, such as: started a design business with someone, kissed a guy with a beard, dated someone shorter than me, a musician and from another country, and...tried new things in bed? HARRHARR) and that's all I can think of really!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My news years resolutions were:
-get better at art, try new things with art -

ACCOMPLISHED

-practice making comics-

OOPS

-go out and do more fun things -

I think I became more and more hermit-y

-be a better friend-

ehhh still horrible at staying in touch with people :/ I am bad friend

-be less NEGATIVE/sad/mopey -

Definitely achieved this. Keeping on the brighter side of life isn't as hard as it used to be, I don't rely on medication to make me happy, and I'm better at handling/analyzing my emotions

For next year of course I'll be making more resolutions, but I kind of make MONTHLY resolutions. I mean, I always want to improve as a person :3

3.Did anyone close to you give birth?

Well no one "close" to me as in a friend, but I know some of my cousins had offspring.

4.Did anyone close to you die?

Wow, for once no one I even knew died! Seems like normally a family member dies each year LOL :/

5.What countries did you visit?

None so far! Though my grand trip to Canada is coming up any day now! :3

6.What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

MORE MOTIVATION, a calm and relaxing home inviroment, HEALTH, and more money would be nice :V

7.What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

There's a lot of little moments from hanging with Pook, Alisha, Audrey and Savannah that I'm not bound to forget any time soon <3 Sakura Con, Comic Con, and AnthroCon are always going to be with me as well. And there's a LOT of memories from Renard's recent visit that I know I wont forget <3

8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Hmm hmm! Well over all 2009 has been a pretty rough year for me with little "big" accomplishments, so I think dragging my sorry ass out of the Big Black Void of Depression is a pretty big achievement, though it may not seem like it to some. And well, I don't exactly think of it this way but I suppose you could say getting together with Renard was an achievement. I certainty consider it to be the best thing that happened to me this year (or maybe ever? |3)

9. What was your biggest failure?

uhhhhg somewhere in between failing out of college (now, in retrospect I dont feel as if school is "right for me" but GIVING UP on class was a really pitiful and stupid way to deal with things) and getting so behind with commissions. orz

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

When do I not LOL.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Huh! I'm not sure... I really haven't bought a whole lot this year! Though I'm pretty happy with these animal encyclopedias I bought. They're over flowing with inspiration :3 Oh, and well I'm really glad I bought that plane ticket to AC :]

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

UH OH TIME TO GET CHEESY <3
- Alisha and Pook :3 I'm so proud of both you guys and what you're doing in school and life <3 I know times have been rough, frustrating, and confusing but you both put a tremendous amount of effort into school and getting somewhere towards your goals, and that is to be admired.
- Pook, I admire your outlook on life and your insight on animation and storytelling is inspiring. I know you miss home and your friends a LOT but you stuck in there and made it through a quarter, even when you had to deal with a bunch of stupid crap and an environment that didn't meet your expectations
- Alisha, your attitude about just about everything is always the best, your hard work and dedication is also very inspiring. I can never NOT be smiling when you're around, you're just so much fun to hang out with. BROS 4 LIFE *BRO HUG*
- Renard... well you're just all-around the best person I have ever known. :] Your many talents and outlook on life always keeps me inspired and motivated, and through your music I know you've inspired a lot of other people, which is really awesome. You kind of constantly keep me amazed, and I really don't think you even try. You're just yourself :3 Yeah you've done a lot for me, I dont think I could ever even begin properly thank you <3

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

WELL EXCLUDING THE MAJORITY OF HUMANITY HERE.... Some of my old friends, Daniel and my mother :/ womp womp!

14. Where did most of your money go?

Conventions :S

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Sakura Con, any time Alisha visited, AC, Renard's visit

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

BLACK ON BLACK ON BLACK ON BLACK

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier x 100 like, wow holy SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS, BATMAN! Then again it's not hard to beat since around this time last year I was the most depressed I've ever been.

b) thinner or fatter? Thinner (I THINK my weight fluctuates a lot lol)

c) richer or poorer? About the same, but with more opportunities to make money, I guess. My LIFE has become much richer though :D

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I WISH I'D DONE MORE ART (but I dont think I could ever do as much as I want to)and more of letting lose and having a good time!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

less moping, less crying, less self pitying, less being a jealous/spitefull bitch and MUCH less second doubting myself. Thankfully most of that is behind me.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Huh, not sure yet!

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Yes <33333

22. How many one-night stands?

ze-ro! Squeedge and one night stands is sooo 2008

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Venture Bros, for sure :3

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hmmm, I dont think so! I think I hate LESS people. I mean, I don't normally -hate- people to begin with. I might say things like "oh man I hate so-and-so!" but I usually don't REALLY mean it or actually hate them, in general I try to be HATRED FREE.

25. What was the best book you read?

Lord of The Flies...which was the ONLY book I read (I dont read enough ugh) besides Twilight for lols which hardly counts as a book.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

SOULJA BOY okay kidding, but DO I REALLY HAVE TO ANSWER THIS ONE. I mean, c'mon. It's quite obvious.

27. What did you want and get?

Renard. Hurr hurr.

HURRRRR.

28. What did you want and not get?

POKEMON PLATINUM EDITION GODFJSJHFUING

DAMMIT

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

WATCHMEN even if I dont think it's /that/ great of a movie. I just know it's the one I fagged over the most hahaha <3

30. What did you do on your birthday?

OH MAN HAHAH. Okay, so my birthday was at the same time SakuraCon was going on so IN COSPLAY we went out to dinner at Red Robin's with my CREW and Pook's costume made some lady JUMP OUT OF HER SEAT AND SCREAM. We also were stared at the entire time. It was beautiful.

31.What is one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Nnnnot being a mopey sack of shit for half of it? :D?

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Boring. I used to do a lot more with my personal fashion/clothes but this year I kind of felt "bleh" after having to get rid of my orange dreads

33. What kept you sane?

Art and my wonderfully patient and understanding friends <3

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

DAT SOULJA BOY

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Gay marriage issues. Grr.

36. Who did you miss?

POOK AND ALISHA AND....POOK AND ALISHA. And I did not see NEARLY enough of Savi or Audrey ;C

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Renard. I BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

BEST LESSON 2009: "fuck bitches, get money." -2x2l

I dunno, man. I've learned a lot. If it comes down to the basics it's more or less "Make the most of life that you can"

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

uhh shit this is hard... I'll put down the first thing that came to mind:
There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise
Was he
And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return"
[/I'm a huge faggot <3]

basically

2009-11-04T05:34:18Z

- w - <3

It wont be long 'till I belong to you <3

2009-10-30T03:40:00Z

right click > full view
Wow, it seems like only yesterday tomorrow was an unreachable day that would never come. Hahah funny how things work like that. One minute you can hardly wait until something happens but then you blink and it's in front of your face and you're not quite sure if you're ready for it! Life is odd like that :]

Tomorrow at around 4pm I depart on a BUS ADVENTURE to go meet Renard at the airport. His flight should be arriving at around 8pm. After that we're staying the night at the Hilton for some nice relaxation and alone time, and then the next day it's Halloween already! After we check out of the hotel we'll be off to Marysville to meet up with Alisha and everyone. Needless to say, I am SO. EXCITED.

I cant wipe this stupid grin off my face and I'm filled to the brim with butterflies. I feel floaty. Part of me feels REALLY SILLY about how I'm feeling and wants to "PLAY IT COOL" and try not to act like such a love drunk spaz but... why try to hide how I'm feeling? It's a pretty wonderful feeling after all. :]

I just ugh. UGH <3 Cant wait to see him. And I'm really excited to be able to work with him IN PERSON :D so expect some more collaborations and such :] Ahhhhh I AM GOING TO MELT JESUS 9 w 9

though ugh I didnt get to carve pumpkins today ;__; I am super bummed out about that. For someone as obsessed with Halloween as I am, I sure didnt plan very well! I might have to just do it ON HALLOWEEN LOL. <_> talk about last minute! ah well. I'm trying not to get stressed about not doing this or that because it doesn't matter, WHAT DOES MATTER is Renard's gonna be here |3

Skeletor I know you groove and shake it so damn good

2009-08-29T22:05:43Z

Welcome to my new fandom, flist: HE-MAN. Yeah I'm serious. I usually don't pay much attention to Youtubz but I've been using it more frequently latley and I noticed a few days ago an ad for HE-MAN ON YOUTUBE. I couldn't sleep that night so I spent all night watching it and remembered how FUCKING ~~AWESOME~~ FABULOUS the show is. So DELICIOUSLY ~~GAY~~ CAMPY. Truthfully I'd seen very little of the original series, but in 2002 or so I was a big fan of the series on Cartoon Network, I was just to embarrassed to admit that to my friends at the time. I think the only person who really knows how much I loved it was Daniel; We'd dork about it together and I used to call him Skeletor and he called me Beastman xD It was one of the cuter things in our relationship. At any rate, I fucking love Skeletor hardcore man, expect fan art.

I'll admit I tend to get immersed in fandom when I'm feeling down (especially dorky shit like this, there's no way I can watch He-man and NOT smile and laugh), and yeah lately I've been more depressed and uninspired than usual (missin Pook and Alisha like woah), but hahah THERE IS NO FANDOM FOR THIS SHIT. Okay, well that's not entirely true, but MOST of the fans of the show are much MUCH older than me and are kind of "reliving" their childhood through it, OR they're collectors who are only really in it for the money :/ OOOORRR they're 13 kids who have only see spoofs on robot chicken LOL. OH WELL. I WILL ENJOY FAGGING OVER SKELETOR ALL BY MYSELF, YOU WILL ENJOY IT GODDAMMIT.

ENJOY IT!

Also, holy shit how I wish I could turn back time and get this awesome shirt! http://www.teefury.com/archive/507/Badical DAMN YOU TEE FURY AND YOUR PRINT ON DEMAND. BOO. *crosses fingers that it will appear on E-bay*

I just love old campy cartoons, like so much. Like ThunderCats, omg. Speed Racer is also on youtube, I'll have to give that a watch as well. HOPEFULLY in the probably-not-near-future I'll be owning the complete DVD sets of He-man and Thundercats (SO EXPENSIVE AHWGH ; ;)

monstersexual @ 2009-08-27T04:40:00

2009-08-27T10:43:25Z

okay already feeling better.

Maybe I should talk to people about stuff more often.. instead of bottling it up :C

Stupid phone, stupid internet >:B

2009-08-10T19:08:39Z

Just thought I should post for anyone who is trying to call me or IM me, my internet/phone is being just... absolutely retarded >:C Basically, every five minutes or so my modem resets itself, which cuts off the internet and phone lines momentarily. And aside from that, every time I've picked up my phone today when some one was calling all I get is silence 8| Why it is doing this, I DONT KNOW. I tried calling comcast but the phone got cut off before I could even talk to some one about it. Hopefully this is just a temporary thing. But yeah, for today at least no incoming or outgoing phone calls >:/

grrrrrrrsnarl

Back from my grand nerdy holiday!

2009-07-28T20:34:23Z

Tom's shirt says it all!

COMIC CON 2009: BEST CON EVERRRRRRRRRR!

-more on this and other con adventures later! But seriously SO MUCH FUN. And btw, to those not in the know, the fellow we're pictured with above is no other than Tom Kenny, the voice of Spongebob and many other awesome characters that I've loved and grown up with. YEAH I have so much to talk about and so many pictures to post! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh<33333333

You're not here.

2009-06-16T09:53:27Z

I've been away, but I'm back now. Went out to the ocean, caught some crabs, saw some sea stars... got out of my house and had a little adventure. Had a lot of fun. Gazed at the beautiful blue summer sky through the most green, lush looking leaves that I've ever seen. They were illuminated from the sun light. I dont know why it hit me then... but I just really wanted my dad to be with me. I wanted to show him the starfish with 15 legs. I wanted to play frisbee with him. I wanted to pull out my sketchbook and show him I could draw horses better than I could when we were on kathy's farm.

Death is such a strange thing. I've witnessed it personally in my family more than most people I know, and still I don't think I've ever truly "dealt" with death. I fear death, deeply. I have never felt like I've ever really mourned a family members death... I never let myself. I just tried to block it out like it didn't happen. Like they just went away somewhere for a while and I still feel like they're coming back. Death just scares me like no other thing on this planet. I do not understand it, I suppose. People fear what they dont understand, you know how that is...

Like I said, it's a strange thing, to me, at least. And human emotion is also a strange thing. You cant really chose to mourn the loss of a family member, I suppose to most people it just comes naturally.

Slowly, my father's death is sinking in. He died in 2006. It was in spring, but for some reason it feels like it was summer. I don't know why. So around this time of year, I just get reminded of him. Maybe it's because this was when we'd go to the Science Center around this time of year and play in the fountain.

At any rate, it feels like it's hitting me more than usual. I see father's day commercials and think "I want to get dad something this year!" and then I remember. I cant even visit his burial because it's in Wisconsin, with his family.

I feel so guilty... I didn't appreciate him. I didn't let myself realize how much he meant to me. I was scared, seeing his trailer boxed up and full of computers and trash scared me. The drugs scared me. The drinking scared me. I just became angry. I felt like he didnt care. I didnt want to draw him any more pictures, my drawings were never good enough. He was always so critical of my art, I hated it. But I think it's because he understood what made a good artist more than most people, and he wanted me to improve.

That last phone call scared me, the man had clearly lost his mind. I still, for some reason feel like it's my fault he got so bad. I feel like if I had visited him more, called him more... something... he wouldn't have done so many drugs. In my head, I know that's not true... but it's like deep down that's how I feel.

He never got to show me that art program on the computer... he was going to show me how to make pictures on it. He wrote me that letter... I dont even know where it is. I probably threw away. So stupid. Where is that picture of us? It used to be on my wall in my house in Darrington. Where did I put it?

I never got to say good bye. I never got to say "I Love You" one last time. He never saw me turn 16, or graduate high school... I just miss him. I miss the memory I have of him, it's fading away. It's blurry, like looking at a reflection in water. But I can still sort of feel it, and I dont want to lose it.

God dammit, this really hurts. I dont know what to do. I dont feel comfortable talking to any one about it. Im afraid to talk to my mom about it. But, I dont even know when his birthday was. I dont know how old he was when he died. I hardly know anything about him.

I just miss him right now... I miss watching Ren & Stimpy with him in the living room on that old ugly couch that looked like a basket. I miss flipping over the couches and making forts with him and pretending to be wolves. I miss all his stupid pranks, the way he smelled, his glasses, his jeans, his laugh, his gross omelets. It's been so long. I just want to see him one last time that isn't in my dreams.

Dad, I miss you so much.

(Public because I want people to know what's going on with me, I guess. disabling comments because I'm not ready to talk about this. I dont want any advice or anything right now... I really just want to let myself feel what I'm truly feeling. If I have to be in a dark place for a while, it's okay. I want to be here. I need to be here. I just want the world to melt away for a little whille, even if it's only for a few days )

LJ spring cleaning

2009-04-27T09:30:38Z

FRIENDS CUT;
I did a little friends cut tonight as well as went back and deleted old, pointless entries and made everything "Friends Only" once again.

If you were cut please please please don't take any personal offense. You're still welcome to have me added and comment on my journals etc. You are not being ~BANISHED~ or anything like that if I cut you. If you were cut it was for one of three reasons:
1. You haven't updated in a while/seem inactive
2. I never read your entries (sorry lol ;c)/I couldn't connect with you
3. You never seemed to read my entries

Again, no whining or pleading to be added back, IT'S JUST EL JEY no big D. Any one who does so any way will be snickered at and then ignored. You can still talk to me on NUMEROUS websites, and like I said still welcome to comment on public entries.

From now on, almost all of my entries will be Friends Only, save for art/sketch posts, which will be public.

DEAR YOU-KNOW-WHO-YOU-ARE
it's very easy to find that you're stalking my journal. The drama is over and done with, please for the love of god get on with your life.
Love Squeedge B)

comments disabled

Leave your body and soul at the door

2008-08-27T03:23:03Z

THIS IS A DEAD END

Trespassers will be eaten.
this journal is like %60 private. But you're not missing out on much, trust me.
Basically, I'll friend you back if I a) already know you b) want to get to know you better
or c) you seem trustworthy and legimately interested in the going ons of my life
Do not start drama, whine, or throw off my groove and we'll get along fine.